Saturday, January 14, 2012

Lesson Four: Grandpa Von Beringe

The Von Beringe equation

I will never forget the day when I was a child and my grandfather, the esteemed Naturalist Robert Von Beringe, took me by the hand and asked, "What the Hell are you doin' in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"

As many of you don't know, Robert Von Beringe was the first human on planet Earth to lay eyes on what we now call, "The gorilla."  At the time he insensitively referred to them as "Mbielu-mbielu-mbielu", translated into the Queen's English as: "black man of the forest who won't listen." He was also the first human on planet Earth to shoot and kill a gorilla then take a picture of himself standing on it as if he were posing for the label of Captain Morgan's rum.

He was an intelligent, gentle man but prone to outbursts of ignorance and cruelty. "Rash" some called him; some also said a rash was the reason for his outbursts - grandpa was known for his dalliances with prostitutes while bivouacking in Swaziland.

Before you judge Robert Von Beringe too harshly consider this: without him we would not know of the gorilla, for who else would have identified the most famous of the great apes?  Or as grandpa once noted, "The indigenous peoples of Africa certainly weren't going to discover them."

Thank you for enjoying this lesson.


AKA "The Naturalist"


  1. Now I understand your quirkiness. Does family competition make you desirous of discovering the BF since the stupid North Americans can't seem to locate the fellow?

  2. In a word, "Yes!"

    Always a pleasure to see your avatar and thoughts in my comments section, dear woman.

  3. Sir, I haven't had my mind blown like that in a long long time. If your Grandfather is still with us thank him for all he has done for the College Community. Obviously your Grandfather had a little Captain in him.

  4. Broski! Kind of you to drop by.

    I will pass on your sentiments to dear old Grampa Von Beringe this evening - I'm conducting a seance at a notoriously haunted church in Rialto, CA.

    Good hauntings to you, sir!

  5. Rialto! Sir, we are not to far away. I wish you well in your connection tonight.

  6. if your grandpa was killing apes hes no hero to me.

  7. Your blog is hilarious.
    Now can you help me with something, please - most people seem to say it was one Oscar von Beringe who discovered the subspecies of gorilla. Have also come across a Robert von Beringe, the name you use, so must thus use the name Robert I assume. Can you explain the mixup?
    I'm just writing an article about the launch of the Explorers Club in Uganda, where I live. Your grandfather was named an (Honorary?) member of the Explorers for his identification of the new subspecies.
    In defence of your grandfather's killing of gorillas, I would comment that when the well-respected scientist and gorilla conservationist Dr Gladys Kalema saw the photo of your grandfather with a dead gorilla, she simply commented “that is the how things were done when things were discovered in the old days.” A pragmatic response.