Monday, June 29, 2015

The Timber Giant is Real

Dearest fans,

I have uncovered additional proof from the night of June 5th that should put to rest any discussions of hoaxed/CGI footage.

Through the use of this new data I created a rough size comparison that clearly shows this creature, Von Beringe's Upright Timber Giant, is far bulkier than first suspected... larger, without a doubt, than a human wearing an ape costume.

Size comparison

Other news: Many thanks to those of you who attended my enshrinement at the University of Wisconsin's Zoologist Hall of Fame, it was an honor thought by many to be long overdue.

My pal, Jeff Meldrum
Next week: my famous footage will be confirmed as genuine by Timber Giant specialist and long-time collaborator Jeff Meldrum.

Best regards,


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Von Beringe's Southern California Upright Timber Giant

Yes, the title of this posting is correct: I have indeed dubbed the creature in my famous video after myself... it is my right after all. The name "Von Beringe's Southern California Upright Timber Giant" will soon ring through the halls of academia as I am proclaimed the discoverer of the creature commonly misidentified as Bigfoot.

Here I provide wood carvings of my associate Monk and myself for any institutions that would like to get a head start on adding us to the annals of natural history.

Further evidence of my astonishing discovery can be found below. In the video you'll see Monk & I leaving camp less than an hour before the creatures appears. Not only does this offering contradict any notion of CGI enhancement, it also provides a source of scale, supporting my claim that the hairy beast must have been upwards of 8 1/2 feet large.

For those interested in breaking down my videos, you should know--for the sake of scale, yaw, pitch & roll--that Monk and I were camped on a steep incline in the area in Griffith Park known as "The Old Zoo." 

Thank you in advance for your good wishes on my history-making discovery.

All the best,


Saturday, June 13, 2015

Fabulous Wildlife Appearing Nightly!

My Wood Ape footage certainly has caused a stir on the Internet. The sheer number of angry comments, cheerful support and preposterous theories has left me with a case of the dithers; should I post the other videos that were captured that same night? They would certainly answer a lot of questions and quash the inane presumptions. Perhaps later.

For now, I leave you with a medley of footage shot by my beloved Moultrie A5 low-glow game camera here in my driveway where fabulous wildlife appears nightly!

Sunday, June 7, 2015

The Holy Grail

Whilst camping in Southern California's Griffith Park Friday last, my trail cam caught something... remarkable.

Is this indisputable proof of the Timber Giant? And if so, what in God's name did he do in my tent before the camera began rolling? Upon returning to camp I noticed two empty Quest brownie bar wrappers littering the interior of my abode. Was it thieving rabbits or common hooliganism? I didn't learn the truth until I returned home on Saturday AM and reviewed my trail cam footage.

Quest bars are delicious and nutritious butbecause of their sugar alcohol contentthey cause a great deal of absurdly loud and noxious wind... sometime for days after being consumed. 

Those interested in capturing further evidence should scoot up to the ruins of the Old Zoo in Griffith Park and start listeningand smellingfor the trail of this particular Sasquatch... he should be exceedingly easy to locate.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Lesson twenty-six: Guest theorist

Theories on Pedal Arrangement and Seasonal Adaptation in the Yeti
by Dr. Bhasmati Rhyce, University of Utter Pradesh

In my opinion, western science has to date failed to take into account some plausible theories regarding the Yeti and why no specimens have so far been captured. I believe the answer to this question is twofold: that this hominid possesses a unique foot arrangement and further undergoes chromatic seasonal changes. 

I now accept the Sherpa legend of the Yeti having its feet pointing backwards to be quite plausible, despite the fact that this phenomenon is as yet unknown among any of the Earth's biota. It can quite conveniently explain why tracking this creature has so far yielded no positive results – those tracking it have been going in the wrong direction! Indeed, during my 2009 expedition to the Himalayas (accompanied by Dr. Guptil Singh of the University of Mysore and Prof. Baba Rum Raisin of Sacred Cow College) my colleagues and I were continually confounded by positively-identified Yeti tracks leading absolutely nowhere. One might even speculate - given these hominids presumed intelligence - they may engage in a hearty horselaugh by misleading their presumed captors in such a manner.

I further believe the Yeti exhibits chromatic variance according to the seasons, much as do other alpine taxa such as the ermine and ptarmigan. That is, the Yeti's hide is brown in summer and white in winter. Based on this speculation, we may now accept reports dismissing Yeti sightings as Himalayan sun bears to be false. This should have already been evident as no Yeti has the distinctive “Y”-shaped chest marking characteristic of these bears, nor do they possess an obscenely long tongue.

Taking these new theories into account, my colleagues and I are planning another Yeti expedition to Nepal in the winter of 2013, this time dressed entirely in white and planting our transect lines while walking in reverse.

Dr. Rhyce during his failed 2009 expedition
to sight a Yeti in Nepal

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Lesson twenty-five: Assault of the Crystal Fiend

Last night our camp was raided by the Crystal Fiend. It is indeed a type of cave-dwelling Sasqutach.
"El Demonio Vitreo"

The creature upturned our tents, tore through the camp and made off with some of our most valauble supplies.

My right hand man, Renny managed to get a photograph of the beast just before it put him in a mighty sleeper hold. Renny survived the assault, and the rest of the crew is shaken but unharmed. 

I, however, am furious: the Crystal Fiend absconded back into its cave with our last batch of Otter Pops. 

I'm going in after it, in the name of science... and frozen snack treats.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Lesson twenty-four: Cave of Crystals

Do you recognize me without my pith helmet?

I'm writing from the cave mouth of Mexico's Cueva de los Cristales (Cave of Crystals.) It's a sort of south-of-the-border Fortress of Solitude, very reminiscent of Superman's home away from home in the film series.

The cave contains some of the world's largest known natural crystals — translucent beams of gypsum as long as 36 feet (11 meters.) I'm told there's no limit to the size the crystals in this cave can reach.

I am here with my team, Monk, Ham, Renny, Johnny & Long Tom, who I affectionately call, "The Fabulous Five." Our mission is to spelunk into the cave and uncover evidence of a heretofore unknown (to outsiders) crypid locals call, "El Demonio Vitreo,"(the Crystal Fiend.)

Villagers have described this creature as being tall, bipedal and covered in long white hair. It is my presumption that the Crystal Fiend is a relative of the Wood Ape; a type of Sasquatch.

More on this as it progresses.