Sunday, February 12, 2012

Lesson twenty-six: Guest theorist

Theories on Pedal Arrangement and Seasonal Adaptation in the Yeti
by Dr. Bhasmati Rhyce, University of Utter Pradesh

In my opinion, western science has to date failed to take into account some plausible theories regarding the Yeti and why no specimens have so far been captured. I believe the answer to this question is twofold: that this hominid possesses a unique foot arrangement and further undergoes chromatic seasonal changes. 

I now accept the Sherpa legend of the Yeti having its feet pointing backwards to be quite plausible, despite the fact that this phenomenon is as yet unknown among any of the Earth's biota. It can quite conveniently explain why tracking this creature has so far yielded no positive results – those tracking it have been going in the wrong direction! Indeed, during my 2009 expedition to the Himalayas (accompanied by Dr. Guptil Singh of the University of Mysore and Prof. Baba Rum Raisin of Sacred Cow College) my colleagues and I were continually confounded by positively-identified Yeti tracks leading absolutely nowhere. One might even speculate - given these hominids presumed intelligence - they may engage in a hearty horselaugh by misleading their presumed captors in such a manner.

I further believe the Yeti exhibits chromatic variance according to the seasons, much as do other alpine taxa such as the ermine and ptarmigan. That is, the Yeti's hide is brown in summer and white in winter. Based on this speculation, we may now accept reports dismissing Yeti sightings as Himalayan sun bears to be false. This should have already been evident as no Yeti has the distinctive “Y”-shaped chest marking characteristic of these bears, nor do they possess an obscenely long tongue.

Taking these new theories into account, my colleagues and I are planning another Yeti expedition to Nepal in the winter of 2013, this time dressed entirely in white and planting our transect lines while walking in reverse.

Dr. Rhyce during his failed 2009 expedition
to sight a Yeti in Nepal

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Lesson twenty-five: Assault of the Crystal Fiend

Last night our camp was raided by the Crystal Fiend. It is indeed a type of cave-dwelling Sasqutach.
"El Demonio Vitreo"

The creature upturned our tents, tore through the camp and made off with some of our most valauble supplies.

My right hand man, Renny managed to get a photograph of the beast just before it put him in a mighty sleeper hold. Renny survived the assault, and the rest of the crew is shaken but unharmed. 

I, however, am furious: the Crystal Fiend absconded back into its cave with our last batch of Otter Pops. 

I'm going in after it, in the name of science... and frozen snack treats.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Lesson twenty-four: Cave of Crystals

Do you recognize me without my pith helmet?

I'm writing from the cave mouth of Mexico's Cueva de los Cristales (Cave of Crystals.) It's a sort of south-of-the-border Fortress of Solitude, very reminiscent of Superman's home away from home in the film series.

The cave contains some of the world's largest known natural crystals — translucent beams of gypsum as long as 36 feet (11 meters.) I'm told there's no limit to the size the crystals in this cave can reach.

I am here with my team, Monk, Ham, Renny, Johnny & Long Tom, who I affectionately call, "The Fabulous Five." Our mission is to spelunk into the cave and uncover evidence of a heretofore unknown (to outsiders) crypid locals call, "El Demonio Vitreo,"(the Crystal Fiend.)

Villagers have described this creature as being tall, bipedal and covered in long white hair. It is my presumption that the Crystal Fiend is a relative of the Wood Ape; a type of Sasquatch.

More on this as it progresses.


Monday, February 6, 2012

Lesson twenty-three: Mad science

The Two Million Year Old Boy special on the National Geographic Channel was very informative.  Not only did it outline what occurred at the Cradle of Humankind World Heritage Site, but it brought light to the ugly competition that goes on in the world of science.

Scientists hoard their discoveries, rarely sharing with others. There is backbiting, rumor mongering and generally impolite behavior. 

Many scientists libel each other to gain points with their financiers and followers, knowing full well that doing so works in opposition with the betterment of the very cause of science.

I've lost my train of thought... was I writing about scientists or politicians?

Regardless, kudos to Lee R. Berger for his discovery of Australopithecus sediba and for sharing his findings in the name of science.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Lesson twenty-two: Mistaken identity?

While in search of the Abominable Snowman in the Baba Ghanoush region of the Himalayas, my Sherpa shouted, "Yeti! Yeti!" and directed my attention to a nearby bluff. There, to my delight, I saw a large, hairy bipedal beast. 

For a better look I scanned the area with my field glasses and that's when I realized the creature was a Tibetan blue bear, standing upright in search of food in a hollowed out tree.

I rapped my Sherpa on the head with my walking stick and said in broken Nepalese(नेपाली), "That's a bear, you swarthy oaf!"  After looking through my field glasses he confirmed his assessment and asserted, "Yeti! Yeti." He then gently removed my pith helmet and conked me on the head with my own walking stick.

As it turns out "Yeti" is actually a corruption of the word "myeti", a regional dialect term for "bear".

Ethnic Tibetans fear and worship the bear as a supernatural being. Could it be that all this time the Yeti has been nothing more than a case of mistaken identity?

Friday, February 3, 2012

Lesson twenty-one: Bigfoot blogs

The place to go for Bigfoot news
I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, but the best among them is the Bigfoot Evidence Blog. The articles are informative and the reader comments are entertaining and hilarious(particularly mine.)


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lesson twenty: The Ultimate Cryptid

Creation of the Big Man?

Is God a cryptid?

Before anyone gets offended let’s examine what God has in common with the most famous of all cryptids, Big Foot.

  1. Many people believe yet there is little evidence.

  1. Has passionate devotees and skeptics.

  1. Goes by many names yet followers have not settled on one.

  1. Up to ten feet tall with flowing hair.

  1. Wrathful, merciful, vengeful and forgiving.

  1. Never there when you need them.