Sunday, January 15, 2012

Lesson Five: Communing with the dead

Embrace the darkness

I spent last night in the notoriously haunted Rialto church. The church is no longer a place of worship, but a museum of sorts. The museum contains dubious relics from as far back as 200 years, or as Americans will tell you: the beginning of time.

I was joined by a group of California's most elite paranormal investigators. The group's leaders, Peaches & Herbert, toured us single file through the creaky old place; I had grand hopes of catching glimpse of a full-bodied apparition, a floating cabeça, a swirling vortex or anything extranatural - alas the nearest thing to a dimensional portal I saw was the prodigious backside of the investigator in front of me.

Inspired by one of my reader's suggestions, I organized a séance to commune with dear old grandpa von Beringe. The word "séance" comes from the French word for "seat," or "sitting," and sit we did, in a "mystic circle", lit by candlelight and EMF detectors.

The group joined hands as I called out to my father's father, "Friedrich Robert von Beringe: Rap on a table; it's time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere beyond!"

That's when I heard a familiar voice in my ear. It was the original RVB himself, "Ron Ron!" he snarled, "How dare you besmirch the family name by associating with grotesques such as these? Amongst the obese, misshapen and socially outcast is no place for a von Beringe, dear boy."

I smiled apologetically to my oversized companions then let the old man have it: "Screw you grandpa, these are my friends and I'm having fun!"


AKA "The Naturalist"


  1. You rebel! I perform seances, but honestly about 95% of the people are scared to do them. It's hard to do one when people bring religious baggage and preconceived notions. I remind them that, if spirits could mess with us, the world would be screwed. It'd be like the final scenes of "Ghostbusters." Total anarchy.

  2. Dogs & cats living together!

    I would like to séance with you some day, my dear.

  3. Haha. Yes, I can imagine what we could conjure up, sweets.

  4. Ghosts aint real. thats a childs story.