The Timber Giant is Real

Dearest fans,

I have uncovered additional proof from the night of June 5th that should put to rest any discussions of hoaxed/CGI footage.

Through the use of this new data I created a rough size comparison that clearly shows this creature, Von Beringe's Upright Timber Giant, is far bulkier than first suspected... larger, without a doubt, than a human wearing an ape costume.

Size comparison

Other news: Many thanks to those of you who attended my enshrinement at the University of Wisconsin's Zoologist Hall of Fame, it was an honor thought by many to be long overdue.

My pal, Jeff Meldrum

Next week: my famous footage will be confirmed as genuine by Timber Giant specialist and long-time collaborator Jeff Meldrum.

Best regards,

RVB

Von Beringe's Southern California Upright Timber Giant

Yes, the title of this posting is correct: I have indeed dubbed the creature in my famous video after myself... it is my right after all. The name "Von Beringe's Southern California Upright Timber Giant" will soon ring through the halls of academia as I am proclaimed the discoverer of the creature commonly misidentified as Bigfoot.

Here I provide wood carvings of my associate Monk and myself for any institutions that would like to get a head start on adding us to the annals of natural history.

Further evidence of my astonishing discovery can be found below. In the video you'll see Monk & I leaving camp less than an hour before the creatures appears. Not only does this offering contradict any notion of CGI enhancement, it also provides a source of scale, supporting my claim that the hairy beast must have been upwards of 8 1/2 feet large.

For those interested in breaking down my videos, you should know--for the sake of scale, yaw, pitch & roll--that Monk and I were camped on a steep incline in the area in Griffith Park known as "The Old Zoo." 

Thank you in advance for your good wishes on my history-making discovery.

All the best,

RVB

Fabulous Wildlife Appearing Nightly!

My Wood Ape footage certainly has caused a stir on the Internet. The sheer number of angry comments, cheerful support and preposterous theories has left me with a case of the dithers; should I post the other videos that were captured that same night? They would certainly answer a lot of questions and quash the inane presumptions. Perhaps later.

For now, I leave you with a medley of footage shot by my beloved Moultrie A5 low-glow game camera here in my driveway where fabulous wildlife appears nightly!

The Holy Grail

Whilst camping in Southern California's Griffith Park Friday last, my trail cam caught something... remarkable.

Is this indisputable proof of the Timber Giant? And if so, what in God's name did he do in my tent before the camera began rolling? Upon returning to camp I noticed two empty Quest brownie bar wrappers littering the interior of my abode. Was it thieving rabbits or common hooliganism? I didn't learn the truth until I returned home on Saturday AM and reviewed my trail cam footage.

Quest bars are delicious and nutritious but—because of their sugar alcohol content—they cause a great deal of absurdly loud and noxious wind... sometime for days after being consumed. 

Those interested in capturing further evidence should scoot up to the ruins of the Old Zoo in Griffith Park and start listening—and smelling—for the trail of this particular Sasquatch... he should be exceedingly easy to locate.

-RVB

Lesson twenty-six: Guest theorist

Theories on Pedal Arrangement and Seasonal Adaptation in the Yeti

by Dr. Bhasmati Rhyce, University of Utter Pradesh

In my opinion, western science has to date failed to take into account some plausible theories regarding the Yeti and why no specimens have so far been captured. I believe the answer to this question is twofold: that this hominid possesses a unique foot arrangement and further undergoes chromatic seasonal changes. 


I now accept the Sherpa legend of the Yeti having its feet pointing backwards to be quite plausible, despite the fact that this phenomenon is as yet unknown among any of the Earth's biota. It can quite conveniently explain why tracking this creature has so far yielded no positive results – those tracking it have been going in the wrong direction! Indeed, during my 2009 expedition to the Himalayas (accompanied by Dr. Guptil Singh of the University of Mysore and Prof. Baba Rum Raisin of Sacred Cow College) my colleagues and I were continually confounded by positively-identified Yeti tracks leading absolutely nowhere. One might even speculate - given these hominids presumed intelligence - they may engage in a hearty horselaugh by misleading their presumed captors in such a manner.


I further believe the Yeti exhibits chromatic variance according to the seasons, much as do other alpine taxa such as the ermine and ptarmigan. That is, the Yeti's hide is brown in summer and white in winter. Based on this speculation, we may now accept reports dismissing Yeti sightings as Himalayan sun bears to be false. This should have already been evident as no Yeti has the distinctive “Y”-shaped chest marking characteristic of these bears, nor do they possess an obscenely long tongue.


Taking these new theories into account, my colleagues and I are planning another Yeti expedition to Nepal in the winter of 2013, this time dressed entirely in white and planting our transect lines while walking in reverse.

Dr. Rhyce during his failed 2009 expedition
to sight a Yeti in Nepal

Lesson twenty-five: Assault of the Crystal Fiend

Last night our camp was raided by the Crystal Fiend. It is indeed a type of cave-dwelling Sasqutach.

"El Demonio Vitreo"

The creature upturned our tents, tore through the camp and made off with some of our most valauble supplies.


My right hand man, Renny managed to get a photograph of the beast just before it put him in a mighty sleeper hold. Renny survived the assault, and the rest of the crew is shaken but unharmed. 


I, however, am furious: the Crystal Fiend absconded back into its cave with our last batch of Otter Pops. 


I'm going in after it, in the name of science... and frozen snack treats.


-RVB

Lesson twenty-four: Cave of Crystals

Do you recognize me without my pith helmet?

I'm writing from the cave mouth of Mexico's Cueva de los Cristales (Cave of Crystals.) It's a sort of south-of-the-border Fortress of Solitude, very reminiscent of Superman's home away from home in the film series.


The cave contains some of the world's largest known natural crystals — translucent beams of gypsum as long as 36 feet (11 meters.) I'm told there's no limit to the size the crystals in this cave can reach.


I am here with my team, Monk, Ham, Renny, Johnny & Long Tom, who I affectionately call, "The Fabulous Five." Our mission is to spelunk into the cave and uncover evidence of a heretofore unknown (to outsiders) crypid locals call, "El Demonio Vitreo,"(the Crystal Fiend.)


Villagers have described this creature as being tall, bipedal and covered in long white hair. It is my presumption that the Crystal Fiend is a relative of the Wood Ape; a type of Sasquatch.


More on this as it progresses.


-RVB

Lesson twenty-three: Mad science

The Two Million Year Old Boy special on the National Geographic Channel was very informative.  Not only did it outline what occurred at the Cradle of Humankind World Heritage Site, but it brought light to the ugly competition that goes on in the world of science.


Scientists hoard their discoveries, rarely sharing with others. There is backbiting, rumor mongering and generally impolite behavior. 


Many scientists libel each other to gain points with their financiers and followers, knowing full well that doing so works in opposition with the betterment of the very cause of science.


I've lost my train of thought... was I writing about scientists or politicians?


Regardless, kudos to Lee R. Berger for his discovery of Australopithecus sediba and for sharing his findings in the name of science.

Lesson twenty-two: Mistaken identity?

While in search of the Abominable Snowman in the Baba Ghanoush region of the Himalayas, my Sherpa shouted, "Yeti! Yeti!" and directed my attention to a nearby bluff. There, to my delight, I saw a large, hairy bipedal beast. 


For a better look I scanned the area with my field glasses and that's when I realized the creature was a Tibetan blue bear, standing upright in search of food in a hollowed out tree.


I rapped my Sherpa on the head with my walking stick and said in broken Nepalese(नेपाली), "That's a bear, you swarthy oaf!"  After looking through my field glasses he confirmed his assessment and asserted, "Yeti! Yeti." He then gently removed my pith helmet and conked me on the head with my own walking stick.


As it turns out "Yeti" is actually a corruption of the word "myeti", a regional dialect term for "bear".


Ethnic Tibetans fear and worship the bear as a supernatural being. Could it be that all this time the Yeti has been nothing more than a case of mistaken identity?

Lesson twenty-one: Bigfoot blogs

The place to go for Bigfoot news

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, but the best among them is the Bigfoot Evidence Blog. The articles are informative and the reader comments are entertaining and hilarious(particularly mine.)

-RVB

Lesson twenty: The Ultimate Cryptid

Creation of the Big Man?

Is God a cryptid?

Before anyone gets offended let’s examine what God has in common with the most famous of all cryptids, Big Foot.

1. Many people believe yet there is little evidence.

2. Has passionate devotees and skeptics.

3. Goes by many names yet followers have not settled on one.

4. Up to ten feet tall with flowing hair.

5. Wrathful, merciful, vengeful and forgiving.

6. Never there when you need them.

-RVB

Lesson eighteen: Crocodile caverns

In Madagascar's Ankarana reserve lies a treacherous place known as the Tsingy rocks. The Tsingy rocks are an enormous limestone formation created over millions of years through the reaction of acidic rain with calcium carbonate that slowly wears away the rock leaving behind razor sharp ridges. 

There are varying reports on the Malagasy meaning of "Tsingy", they range from "Singing," due to the wind songs produced when fast moving air passes through the rocks, to "Jesus Horatio Christ my feet are bleeding!"


A network of underground rivers flow through the caverns beneath the Tsingy rocks. In these dark caves is where a subspecies of the Nile crocodile lives. According to local villagers the Tsingy crocs are enormous, blind, and especially "bitey."


Due to a lifelong fear of the dark (and enormous blind crocodiles,) I have no plans to visit the Tsingy crocodile caves, but according to the Madagascar Tourism Office they are "an excellent place for family rafting adventures with unwanted wives and children."


-RVB

Don't cry, Poppet, just close your eyes and think of England!

Lesson seventeen: Mr. Know-It-All

Another entry from graphic novelist Yog*  Yog's excellent comic Flowers of Evil can be found here: 

(http://www.drunkduck.com/Flowers_of_Evil/4896659/)

*the opinions expressed in Flowers of Evil do not necessarily reflect those of the Naturalist.

Lesson sixteen: Origin of Species

Today's entry comes courtesy of graphic novelist, Yog.  His comic, Flowers of Evil can be found here: http://www.drunkduck.com/Flowers_of_Evil/4914176/


-RVB

Lesson Fifteen: Pukana

Pukana

The aardwolf is New Zealand’s apex predator. As the name suggests, it is part aardvark and part timber wolf; possessing the most terrifying attributes of both creatures. Native New Zealand islanders, known as the Maori, tell tales of this bloodthirsty beast raiding their villages to steal their sons & daughters. 

It is well documented that the aardwolf needs the soft flesh of Maori children to feed to its own ravenous offspring, which nest in the swaying branches of the baobab tree.

The Maori have developed display threats to protect themselves from this predator, including the stamping of feet and grimacing of face; the latter of which is known as “Pukana.” The fearsome-looking Pukana face features bulging eyes and an extended tongue, and was designed after the heinous visage of the aardwolf itself.

-RVB

P.S. Apologies if there are any inaccuracies in today’s entry: My Internet connection is down and I am “going commando” with the facts.

Lesson Fourteen: Knowing vs. proving

No caption necessary

Had my great grandfather not made the world aware of the existence of the gorilla would this majestic beast be on the brink of extinction today?  Probably not.

When humans become aware of something they are compelled to assimilate it, and resistance, as they say, is futile.

A notion for Bigfoot hunters: perhaps the Wood Ape is better off existing only in the recesses of the human mind...

- RVB

http://www.awf.org/section/engaging_you/donate/

Lesson Thirteen: The Platina Timber Giant

A grubbing Wood Ape

I'm en route to Platina, CA on an nostalgic expedition of sorts: my first encounter with the Wood Ape was a sighting off HWY 36 when I was a young lad.  The creature was grubbing a rotten log as seen in the photo above.


Platina is in Shasta County, home of volcanoes, toothless drifters and more meth labs per square kilometer than anywhere in the western hemisphere. Wish me luck.


- RVB

Lesson Twelve: The language of Sasquatch

Actual conversation

I have read the reports and listened to audio files of the Wood Ape supposedly speaking in a Samurai-like chatter.  This is not only incorrect, but undoubtedly insulting to the Samurai.

In my experience with the creature it speaks perfect Punjab but only understands phrases delivered in Haiku format, regardless of the language. 


RVB

Lesson Eleven: The Face on Mars: Reality or Rubbish?

Note: I am on distant expedition with inventor Joseph Cavor, so today's entry is courtesy of my esteemed colleague, Prof. Bernard Quatermass. Thanks for the help, Bernie!  RVB

Prof. Bernard Quatermass endeavours to explain to Nancy Grace that the face on Mars is not guilty of any crime .

In 1976, satellite photos taken in the Cydonia region of Mars first revealed what appears to be a human face etched on the surface of the Red Planet, leading to numerous theories on its origin and purpose.

An examination of the relevant literature on the subject shows the current consensus of opinion to be that the most plausible explanation for this phenomenon is an alien construct intended to attract the attention of earthlings, with the least likely being a random geological artifact having no significance whatsoever.

Some leading authorities have even seen a resemblance between the face and known terrestrial figures such as Elvis “The King” Presley and various Jim Henson Muppets, including Grover. While skeptics are wont to reject these parallels as no more scientific than a Mexican peasant seeing the visage of Mother Mary left in the pattern of a burnt tortilla, they can't be entirely dismissed, either. Indeed, why should the face appear human at all if not to invite the attention of our species? Surely if the face were representative of an alien race one would expect multiple eyes, antennae or perhaps tentacles at the very least.

Until such time that manned missions to Mars can verify the true nature of this enigma, we will, as always, subject this or any unexplained phenomenon that comes to our attention with the most rigorous scientific method.

- Prof. Bernard Quatermass

Lesson Ten: the Ampullae of Lorenzini

Marine biologists often describe a shark attack as "a case of misidentification."  Their reasoning is that sharks confuse humans with seals or sea lions and that the attacks are accidental.

This is a preposterous notion.  Are marine biologists meaning to say that an animal bestowed with the Ampullae of Lorenzini, which enables sharks to sense electromagnetic fields so keenly that they can detect half a billionth of a volt, can't tell the difference between Jeff Spicoli and a lardaceous pinniped?  

It's time for humans to accept that when venturing into the wild they are on the menu and the dinner bell is a-ringin'.

Regards,

RVB

AKA "The Naturalist"